If you are a member of an alien species reading this article to get an update on what us pesky humans are up to, my recommendation is that you stay the hell away from this place because we appear to be going insane at a rate of knots.

Fresh from recreating the Last Supper using the best drag queens money can buy, the Olympic Games in Paris are now in the midst of another controversy. “Did they depict the founder of Islam as an angry lesbian?” I hear you wondering. “Did a transgender woman use ‘her penis’ to urinate on the Torah in front of adoring crowds?”

Sadly not. Instead, this week saw Italian female boxer Angela Carini  take a hook to the face from an opponent before promptly quitting the bout with the words “I’ve never been hit so hard in my life”. This attracted the attention of the internet which swiftly discovered that Algerian boxer Imane Khelif, her victorious opponent, may not be entirely female after all. Khelif, it turns out, failed a gender eligibility test in 2023 and was disqualified from the women’s boxing world championships , along with fellow boxer Lin Yu-ting. While their medical records are private, it is alleged that the athletes were born with “Differences in Sex Development (DSD)” which means that they are likely to have female genitalia, while also having (possibly internal) testicles and XY chromosomes. (If you’re reading this over breakfast, I can only apologise). In any case, this rare abnormality means that someone may appear female while enjoying the physiological advantages conferred by male puberty. You can read a detailed breakdown from evolutionary biologist and former Harvard lecturer Carole Hooven here and evolutionary biologist Colin Wright here.

Naturally, this rather nuanced and confusing situation has produced a glut of commentary. Some who are rightly fed up of the infiltration of women’s spaces by trans-identifying males responded by wrongly claiming that Khelif is a trans woman. This produced some brilliant responses in Khelif’s defence, with people explaining Khelif does not, in fact, have a penis. Just testicles and male chromosomes. Take that, bigots!

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We were also extensively reminded of the need to be kind. Labour MP Zarah Sultana, whose hot takes are better for killing brain cells than the cheapest vodka on the market, tweeted that she is “Sending love and solidarity to Iman Khelife, Lin Yu-ting and anyone else who doesn’t conform to conventional standards of femininity”. Inspired by her example, I sent my own best wishes to those who do not conform to our society’s bigoted ideas about how women should look and behave, including Mike Tyson, Ivan Drago and the Rock.

When discussing controversial issues like the inclusion of male athletes in women’s sports, the most important thing is for women to be respectful and compassionate. It’s 2024 for drag queen’s sake: be kind and take that right hook to the face, ladies. If we make any more progress, at the next Olympics domestic violence can finally become a sport in its own right.

But it wasn’t just the usual dumb dumbs like Sultana who weighed in. Nassim Taleb, who is actually smart, explained that anyone who dares to suggest that Algeria would put forward an athlete of questionable gender status, given the country’s traditional culture and national religion, is an idiot. And, Taleb is right – traditional societies like the USSR, South Africa and East Germany would never repeatedly field athletes with developmental abnormalities who had unfair advantages over women. Like this, this and this.

And so it was, that while China spent the week pursuing its geopolitical ambitions, Iran and Israel did their best to start World War III, and Russia continues to fight a war on our  eastern frontier, the Western world spent another week focussing on things that actually matter, like debating what a woman is and why punching her in the face is “progress”.

All in all, another joyous week in Clownworld. Tune in next time for an explanation of why gravity is a just right-wing talking point.