1,513 words / 11:42

As the ancient African proverb says, “You should never chimp out on a gorilla.”

In Atlanta last Sunday — in yet another sad and tiresome case of the black community harming the black community, leading to the black pundits who represent the black community demanding that the black community be nicer to the black community — former superstar quarterback Cam Newton, a 6’5” dreadlocked Sasquatch described as “arguably the most physically imposing quarterback the NFL has ever seen,” was attacked by a small throng of young amateur footballers, whom he effortlessly tossed around like stuffed animals before security guards stepped in and deescalated the situation.

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The video of the foiled attack is 22 seconds of pure negrosity. It’s extremely uncouth, undignified, dispiriting, and . . . black. In a strictly athletic sense, Newton pulled off an impressive feat by fending off a mob of younger and shorter urbanites at this training camp for teenage footballers. The whole time they were assailing him, Newton wore a black hat that looked as if he swiped it from the Wicked Witch of the West and had cut a hole in the top so that his dreadlocks could jut out like a bundle of rotting flowers. Newton kept the stupid hat perched defiantly on his head the entire time.

Comparing origin stories of what led to the mini-fracas, it’s evident that there was a whole lot of mutual disrespect afoot: Newton felt that his assailants had consistently disrespected him, they felt that he’d disrespected them, and so they all decided to act in a way that insured no one would respect any of them ever again.

I blame the entire black community for this.

Although baseball is said to be America’s pastime, football still generates far more revenue than any other sport. But whereas the percentage of black baseball players has been steadily declining, roughly three of every five National Football League players is now black. But despite the fact that NFL defenses have been overwhelmingly black, and setting aside the fact that offensive positions such as running back and wide receiver have been dominated by blacks for decades, the most stubbornly white position — if you don’t count kickers and punters — has been quarterback. A team’s fortunes rise and fall on this highly cerebral position, and to date, only two of the 58 Super Bowls have been won by quarterbacks dark enough to pass the paper-bag test.

The coal-black Doug Williams took the Washington Redskins to a Super Bowl victory in 1988 back before reigning pieties forced Washington to abandon their allegedly Injun-phobic name in favor of the bland and soulless “Commanders.” In 2014, Russell Wilson led the Seattle Seahawks to a Super Bowl victory, but although both his parents appear to be certifiably black, the boy clearly has some cream in his coffee, so I will persist in insisting that the only truly blackety-black quarterback ever to win a Super Bowl was Doug Williams back in 1988.

The current trophy-holder for the most dominant ghetto-black quarterback is the innately thuggish Lamar Jackson of the Baltimore Ravens, who represents one of America’s most innately thuggish cities. But for a half-decade now, the most dominant NFL QB overall has been the amiable half-breed (black dad, white mom) Patrick Mahomes, who in only seven seasons has already taken his Kansas City Chiefs to four Super Bowls and won three of them. Mahomes’ only Super Bowl loss came at the hands of Aryan Godhead Tom Brady during Brady’s record seventh and final Super Bowl win.

Prior to Mahomes’ emergence, Cam Newton was widely hyped as the Great Black Hope for NFL quarterbacks.

Cameron Jerrell “Cam” Newton was born in Atlanta — America’s Black Mecca — in May 1989. In college, he won a Heisman Trophy and singlehandedly led a mediocre team to a National Championship. In 2015, he won the NFL’s most valuable player award while leading the Carolina Panthers to a 15-1 regular-season record but a losing appearance in the Super Bowl against the Denver Broncos, led by the unmistakably white Peyton Manning and his giant forehead. But despite the fact that he never won a Super Bowl ring, Newton still holds several NFL records.

The consensus is that although Newton was an immensely gifted athlete, he simply didn’t have the leadership skills and mental clarity required to be a consistent champion as a pro quarterback. After 11 seasons in the NFL, he retired in August 2021 at the age of 32, taking his net worth of $100 million and a legacy of unfulfilled promise with him.

Since then, Newton has been puttering around wearing silly hats and acting as the owner and organizer of some sort of youth football training league in Atlanta where he can posture as a dutifully ethnocentric philanthropist who is actively giving back to the black community by graciously allowing wayward young members of the black community to rub elbows with him.

But behind the feel-good story of black cooperation and urban redemption lurks the typical tale of short-tempered childish urbanite vanity where all of the blacks involved, no matter their relative social status, still act like schoolyard punks.

In the wake of last Sunday’s fracas at football camp, ample footage emerged of “Cam Newton getting disrespected by . . . kids” who taunt him about losing the Super Bowl and being retired so young, while Newton stoops to parry by bragging that he’s rich and asking the kids, “Where’s your dad?”

The Brown brothers, TJ and Steph, are two coaches in this mini-junior football league who allegedly attacked Cam Newton on Sunday. When a radio host asked them how the fight started, TJ Brown said that Cam had been “talking trash” to them after their team beat his on Saturday. Brown added that on Sunday, Newton approached him in a parking lot, boasting of his riches. He also says that Newton grabbed his brother Steph “by the jacket trying to choke him,” which led to TJ punching Newton “and the situation as a whole escalated.”

Yet despite the allegation of Newton’s shit-talking, at some point prior to the ill-fated scuffle, TJ Brown is on camera boasting about how his team of junior-league Negroes beat Newton’s team of junior-league Negroes and that Newton, despite all the money he never stops taunting his inferiors about, is a “non-throwing-ass Atlanta hero quarterback who cannot beat me.”

In short, from what I’m able to piece together, this entire so-called “football camp” consisted of nothing more than urban primates acting like urban primates and insulting one another in escalating wars of brutish urban-primate ego that led to the inevitably volcanic eruption of urban-primate violence.

Newton proved unable to bear the constant taunting from the kids about his faded glory, and no one at the camp who was less rich or famous than Newton — basically, everyone at the camp besides Newton — could handle him constantly reminding them about their ignoble status compared to his on the Afro Totem Pole.

It was all about pride— — an exceptionally low and dumb sort of pride. The black community suffers from no shortage of pride, but rather from far too much self-esteem. It is hobbled and crippled by its overwrought and unwarranted sense of personal and communal dignity.

What’s with the egos on these Negroes?

I’ve noticed over the years that members of the black community seem to dole out their respect to other members of the black community very sparingly.

Everyone felt disrespected, and they all decided that the only way to avenge this feeling was to disrespect their opponent back even harder than he initially disrespected them. Disrespect is the black man’s kryptonite. They cannot stand being disrespected. Every act of disrespect must therefore be countered with an even lower and more savage act of disrespect.

And despite the poisonous climate of disrespectful one-upmanship, they never shut the fuck up about the black “community.” Face facts and get real, black community — and yes, I’m talking to you, black community — no one hurts the black community more than the black community does. The biggest thing holding the black community back is the black community.

So basically, everybody in the “community” was constantly talking shit to everyone else in the “community.” That’s not how a “community” is supposed to behave, fellas.

While we’re on the subject, how many members of the black community can pronounce the word “community” without struggling?

I think there are zero innocent parties here. This includes Newton, who should be above such shenanigans. It also includes all the poor, fatherless kids and player-hating adult hangers-on who are heckling Newton. They should all be grateful for the opportunity to hone their football skills in an environment where, at least so far, no one has attempted to shoot them.

Ever get the feeling that black people would live in a state of constant embarrassment if they’d only been born with the capacity to feel shame?

Lo, they are but a simple people who suffer from a simple problem: far too much pride and not nearly enough shame.