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Joe Biden Forgets the Reasons Why People Accusing Him of Having a “Poor Memory” are Wrong

Last Monday, the United States Department of Justice released a 388-page report by Special Counsel Robert K. Hur declining to prosecute President Joseph Robinette Alzheimer Biden for mishandling classified documents.

What was fascinating from a strictly malevolent angle is that although Hur said he didn’t think Biden’s guilt had been proved beyond a reasonable doubt, he implied that one of the reasons for this is that Biden is so clearly mentally impaired that a jury would think he’s too senile to willingly commit crimes:

We have also considered that, at trial, Mr. Biden would likely present himself to a jury, as he did during our interview of him, as a sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory. Based on our direct interactions with and observations of him, he is someone for whom many jurors will want to identify reasonable doubt. It would be difficult to convince a jury that they should convict him — by then a former president well into his eighties — of a serious felony that requires a mental state of willfulness. . . .

He did not remember when he was vice president, forgetting on the first day of the interview when his term ended (‘if it was 2013 — when did I stop being Vice President?’), and forgetting on the second day of the interview when his term began (‘in 2009, am I still Vice President?’ . . . He did not remember, even within several years, when his son Beau died.

The report also noted that Biden’s memory during the 2023 interviews “was significantly limited” and perceptibly “worse” than it had been in a prior 2017 conversation with him.

During an appearance in Nevada after the report’s release, Biden confused French President François Mitterrand — dead since 1996 — with France’s current President, Emmanuel Macron. On Wednesday, he twice said that he had met in 2021 with German Chancellor Helmut Kohl — dead since 2017 — instead of the bulldoggish Angela Merkel, who led Deutschland in 2021.

In an exceedingly crabby and arthritic White House press conference on Thursday, Biden doddered to the podium to triumphantly declare that unlike their handling of Trump, the DOJ decided not to launch criminal charges against him for mishandling classified documents. For reasons known only to the dying brain cells inside his skull that are falling like autumn leaves from a wizened tree, he also noted that the report implied he’s not the sharpest wedge of cheese in the fromagerie:

As you know, the special counsel released his findings today about their look into my handling of classified documents. I was pleased to see he reached a firm conclusion that no charges should be brought against me in this case. In addition, I know there’s some attention paid to some language in the report about my recollection of events. There’s even reference that I don’t remember when my son died. How in the hell dare he raise that? Frankly, when I was asked the question, I thought to myself, it wasn’t any of their damn business. Let me tell you something. Some of you have commented, I wear, since the day he died, every single day, the rosary he got from Our Lady of . . .

And then, as if on cue, he froze and stared into space as he and the particular “Our Lady of” whence his son got the rosary vanished into it. You can see those precious moments here.

President Biden delivers remarks at the White House — 2/8/2024

Later in the conference, reporters pressed Biden on the special counsel’s intimation that Biden is so far gone that he might not be able to distinguish classified documents from adult diapers:

Reporter: President Biden, something the special counsel said in his report is that one of the reasons you were not charged is because, in his description, you are a well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory.

Biden: I’m well-meaning, and I’m an elderly man, and I know what the hell I’m doing. I’ve been President, and I put this country back on its feet. I don’t need his recommendation. It’s totally un—

Reporter: How bad is your memory, and can you continue as president?

Biden: My memory is so bad I can let you speak. That’s, that’s, that’s what.

Reporter: Do you feel your memory has gotten worse, Mr. President?

Biden: My memory is not — my memory is fine.

Then, as Biden shuffled away to munch on a snack of tapioca pudding laced with stool softeners, a reporter asked him about the Gaza conflict, which had him ambling back to the podium to ululate thusly:

I’m of the view, as you know, that the conduct of the response in the Gaza Strip has been over the top. I think that, as you know, initially the President of Mexico, el-Sisi, did not want to open up the gate to allow humanitarian material to get in. I talked to him. I convinced him to open the gate. I talked to Bibi to open the gate on the Israeli side. I’ve been pushing really hard.

For the record, Egypt’s president is Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. Mexico’s president is Andrés Manuel López Obrador, and Mexico does not share any borders with Israel.

Ozzy Osbourne Pauses from Worshiping Satan, Doing Heroin, Admiring Hitler, Strangling His Wife, and Biting the Heads Off Bats to Condemn Kanye West for Being an “Anti-Semite”

When it comes to the eminently subjective matter of offensiveness, I’m always fascinated by where people “draw the line,” because if one wanted to niggle about it, these lines are arbitrarily drawn and it’s nigh impossible to reach a societal, much less a scientific, consensus over which words, ideas, and deeds should forever be banished beyond the Pale.

John Michael “Ozzy” Osbourne was born three-quarters of a century ago in England and gained international fame as the singer of pioneering heavy-metal band Black Sabbath. He is mostly known as being one of rock’s most enduring lunatics. As the lore has it, he has killed cats with a shotgun, set live chickens on fire, bit the head off a live dove during a meeting with record execs as well as a bat’s head during a show, tried to strangle his wife to death, and during his drugging days was on “booze, coke, heroin, acid and Quaaludes to glue, cough syrup, Rohypnol, klonopin, Vicodin . . . at the same time.” As recently as 2021, he said that worshiping the Devil helped protect him from COVID.

Regarding the most forbidden of all taboos — i.e., saying there was anything good about Hitler or bad about Jews — Osbourne was also a habitual rulebreaker. Once, while “high on substances” and “during a meeting with a CBS exec in Germany,” he reportedly “performed a Nazi goose-step on the executive’s table before dipping his testicles in the executive’s wine and then urinating in it.” Rumor has it that he was once thrown out of the tourists’ attraction at Dachau for acting drunk and disorderly. He allegedly expressed grudging admiration for Hitler in a 1982 interview:

Adolf Hitler had a charisma, in a bad way, and I kind of admired him. He was a freak, he was a lunatic, but he had something about him, you know. It was bad what he did, it was terrible what he did, he killed all of these people and whatever, but it was like, he had something about him, you know. I admired him, not for what he was, but for people.

Now comes word that, trampled ’neath the iron hoof of his Jewish wife Sharon, Ozzy has no patience for “anti-Semites,” and it shows him locking horns with rapper Kanye West, a musician/magician who may be every bit as unstable as Osbourne.

A few weeks ago, West had apparently requested Osbourne’s permission to use a sample from a live performance of a Black Sabbath song — accounts vary as to whether the song was “War Pigs” or “Iron Man” — on his new album. He allegedly deleted a prior tweet claiming that the song in question was “War Pigs” and replaced it with this all-caps tirade last Friday:

. @KANYEWEST  ASKED PERMISSION TO SAMPLE A SECTION OF A 1983 LIVE PERFORMANCE OF “IRON MAN” FROM THE US FESTIVAL WITHOUT VOCALS & WAS REFUSED PERMISSION BECAUSE HE IS AN ANTISEMITE AND HAS CAUSED UNTOLD HEARTACHE TO MANY. HE WENT AHEAD AND USED THE SAMPLE ANYWAY AT HIS ALBUM LISTENING PARTY LAST NIGHT. I WANT NO ASSOCIATION WITH THIS MAN!

. @KANYEWEST ASKED PERMISSION TO SAMPLE A SECTION OF A 1983 LIVE PERFORMANCE OF “IRON MAN” FROM THE US FESTIVAL WITHOUT VOCALS & WAS REFUSED PERMISSION BECAUSE HE IS AN ANTISEMITE AND HAS CAUSED UNTOLD HEARTACHE TO MANY. HE WENT AHEAD AND USED THE SAMPLE ANYWAY AT HIS ALBUM…

— Ozzy Osbourne (@OzzyOsbourne) February 9, 2024

At a listening party in Chicago Thursday evening for his still-unreleased album Vultures, West played the song with the Black Sabbath sample as well as tracks that featured such lyrics as “And I’m still crazy, bipolar, anti-Semite/And I’m still the king” and “How I’m anti-Semitic? I just fucked a Jewish bitch.”

Unless he’s openly bragging about cheating on his new wife Bianca Censori, people assume that she is the “Jewish bitch” in question, seeing as she is allegedly not Jewish, although she reportedly played a huge role in forcing West to apologize to Jews in an Instagram post last December that was rendered in all-Hebrew characters.

I figured that West’s “problems” with Hebes were resolved when he said last March that watching the fat, little, bearded shlub Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street made him “like Jewish people again” — but as I’ve already insinuated, West’s life is a whirling carnival of mental stability.

“Kanye fucked with the wrong Jew this time,” bellowed Osbourne’s plastic-surgery-addled wife Sharon, daughter of Jewish talent agent Don Arden. She claimed that unlike her bat-eating hubby, Kanye West “represents hate” and is a “disrespectful anti-Semite,” adding that “the motherfucker’s a pig.”

Ms. Osbourne neglected to elaborate on which Jew is the right Jew to fuck with, nor did she offer tips on how to be respectfully anti-Semitic.

Is Destiny “Sukihana” Henderson the Dumbest Black Woman Who Ever Lived?

If one were to hold a First Annual International Competition for the World’s Most Brilliant Black Female Particle Physicist, many of us would agree that you wouldn’t need to rent out a conference center in a major metropolis to house the contestants. It’s more likely that you could get by with reserving a small booth at a Waffle House. Black women are known for being sassy, empowered, confrontational, loud, and histrionic, but I know of few people who, given the choice, would elect to have a negress perform open-heart surgery on them.

The fat, black, duck-billed woman born Destiny Henderson, described by the Daily Caller as a “Popular rapper, reality TV star, and OnlyFans creator [i.e., freelance porn star],” raps under the name “Sukihana,” AKA “Suki with the Good Coochie.” She says she chose this stage name because a gentleman friend told her that her genitals tasted like the fare at a Japanese restaurant. She is one of these grotesque, attention-starved, digital-age monsters who has done quite well for herself as an “influencer” — which, as far as I can discern, means that she influences society to get acceleratingly dumb. I’d never heard of her until last week, and I don’t mean that as an insult, because I’m certain she doesn’t know who I am, whereas I must now bear the burden of knowing who she is, which is one of many reasons I wish last week never happened.

Bobbi Althoff is a diminutive white female podcaster in her mid-20s. She is also an “influencer” mainly known for interviewing vapid rappers. According to a writer at Vox:

She asks her interview subjects what they wear, how they live, and what they like to eat, but doesn’t seem that interested in what they have to say. She meets most of them with deadpan sarcasm and silence, making her guests live in the discomfort of whatever they just revealed.

On an episode of Althoff’s The Really Good Podcast last Tuesday, the pair of aspirant Mensans convened for an hourlong sit-down that during one tense exchange managed to combine elements of Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First?” with a segment on Curb Your Enthusiasm where a houseguest repeatedly informs Larry that he’s “not a magician.”

Sukihana: Baby, one thing about me is everybody knows I’m so good with the book, which is why I always make a lot of money.

Althoff: That’s amazing. I don’t . . . I didn’t know that about you.

Sukihana: What do you know?

Althoff: That you’re a musician. That’s why I’m interviewing you today, so I can get to know you.

Sukihana: So I’m a musician? What the fuck that mean? Make magic or something? What is musician?

Althoff: I think that’s, I think you’re confusing.

Sukihana: Yeah, I’m not no musician. I make music. I make music. And that’s not all I do. I make music. I act. I’m a TV star, too. A young mogul.

Althoff: Just really quick, I think you’re confusing.

Sukihana: I’m not confusing nothing because you, you don’t know. You thought that all I was — was a magician or whatever the fuck you said.

Althoff: See, that’s what I think you think I said. I said “musician,” not “magician.”

Sukihana: I don’t “think,” baby. I don’t think. What is that? That’s ghetto. I don’t think. I know. So you think.

Althoff: I didn’t say “magician,” Suki. I said “musician.” And I think you are a musician.

Sukihana: No, baby, I do music.

Althoff: So you just really, just really quick for the record. Could you say you don’t think you’re a musician?

Sukihana: I’m not none of that, but then after that you just said I do music. Yeah, I do music.

Althoff: So in other words, you’re a musician.

Sukihana: No, I’m not.

Althoff: Okay.

If someone had written this as a comedy bit, I wouldn’t change a word. But it actually happened, which means it’s just another scene in the ad-libbed horror documentary that is modern life.