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After stumbling upon the Aryan Recognition Tool (ART) — a dodgy artificial intelligence program designed to determine whether you’re a latent genocidal maniac based on your appearance — I decided, despite my better judgement, to give it a whirl. I allowed the website temporary access to my webcam, after which it snapped a photo and determined that, based on my facial features, I am 22% Aryan. I was very disappointed. After that terrible letdown, I thought that perhaps I should clean myself up a bit, shave my scruffy beard, and try the AI once again to see if I could improve my score.

In my vanity, I elected to shave my ginger-bearded face with my old-timey safety razor, fresh shaving cream, and my synthetic shaving brush that I received as Christmas gifts. It took a while, and after a few accidental bloodlettings, I was harshly clean-shaven once again. I combed my hair to look a bit more presentable and tried the AI camera bot one more time.

I improved quite a bit. According to the AI, after my much-needed shave I am now 57% Aryan. Phew! I was so relieved. I hadn’t attained Dolph Lungren status, but I had surpassed physically-unprepossessing-former-chicken-farmer status, for which I was eternally grateful.

The AI then generated my best matches from the Third Reich as well. My alleged doppelgänger was one Hans Kammler, who also scored 57% on the Aryan Scale. I honestly don’t see the resemblance, but that’s fine, as it’s so much better than my initial 22% score. Other matches were Hans Zimmermann (48%), Wilhelm Günther (48%), Erich Sparmann (48%), Friedrich Uebelhoer (45%), Otto Georg Werner Brinkmann (45%), Hans-Ulrich Geschke (44%), Hans Nieland (42%), Fritz Weitzel, Född Friedrich Philipp Weitzel (40%), and Kurt Schmidt-Klevenow (38%). I honestly hadn’t heard of any of these fellows.

Underneath Hans Kammler’s name was a miniature biography pulled directly from Wikipedia:

Hans Friedrich Karl Franz Kammler, born August 26, 1901 in Stettin, probably died on May 9, 1945 in Eule near Prague, was a German engineer and SS general. He was head of agency C within SS-Wirtschafts-und Verwaltungshauptamt, SS’s finance and administrative board, and at the end of the Second World War he led the V1 and V2 program. There is some contradictory information about his death and even conspiracy theories that he would have survived and moved to the United States or South America after the war.

This was all a bit perplexing, as I haven’t the faintest clue about rocketry or finances, but I’ve always aspired to sharp, Nordic cheekbones. I can hear you ask, “But Gunnar, how did all this madness come about? I mean, Aryans? The Third Reich?” Well, dear reader, after exalting in my newfound semi-divinity by striding forth across my suburban snowscape of a neighbourhood whilst throwing golden loonie coins to the people, I realized that I had been duped.

It turns out that the Aryan Recognition Tool is naught but an anti-white art project linked to a state-sponsored exhibition funded by the Canadian taxpayers and supported by art-world academics, allied tradespeople with access to galleries, and catering services that make tiny, pretentious sandwiches involving some sort of avocado toast derivatives.

According to its website, ART is “a novel tool that measures how your face compares to the facial measurements of an average Aryan — distilled from the most infamous leaders of the Third Reich.” So it’s an attempt to further the process of demoralizing the white majority. It’s also a polemical commentary on the use of facial recognition software and its impact on non-whites:

Face recognition has been critiqued for misidentifying people from underrepresented minorities. AR Tool provides a solution to recognize the western majority.

The creator of the tool was of course making a polemical, anti-white political statement. An article in Artforum explains that the Aryan Recognition Tool is part of the Conceptions of White art exhibit, and reveals the thought process behind it:

This line of questioning was further followed in Jennifer Chan’s algorithm-driven work Aryan Recognition Tool, 2022. At a small desk against a wall, visitors could have their faces scanned. Machine-learning facial recognition software, using Google’s infamous FaceNet, then attempted to determine how Aryan they were, matching their appearance to a data set of Nazi visages, including those of SS commanders, concentration-camp guards, and killing squads. In a shrewd reversal, Chan exploits the racial bias of artificial intelligence technology to turn the debunked field of phrenology against its Nazi practitioners, allowing us to see the Aryan in everyone.

Self-flagellating white people can try out the ART tool in situ if they decide to attend the Conceptions of White art exhibit. The exhibit has apparently been oozing its way across the country like a gelatinous slug, leaving a viscous trail of slime in its wake since 2023.

Diminutive reporter Lindsay Shepherd, who won fame a few years ago after her public battle against gender-neutral pronoun zealots at Wilfrid Laurier University, attended the Conceptions of White exhibit at the Vancouver Art Gallery in November 2023. Even though Shepherd was keen to see whether her face matches with any notorious Aryans, sadly the ART tool was out-of-order when she attended:

I was so eager to do so, but darn! An “out of order” sign was propped up in front of the facial recognition camera.

Despite that minor technical difficulty, there was plenty of anti-white content to see in the rest of the exhibit: a painted chronology that Shepherd aptly dubbed the “timeline of white terribleness”; random pictures, paintings, and “schizophrenic ramblings”; other AI-driven tablet installations that admonish viewers to check their privilege; a creepy short film about racial violence; and other madness.

After trudging through this taxpayer-funded abomination, Shepherd had this to say:

The exhibit was palpably hateful and designed to demoralize. I left the gallery not inspired and infused with joie de vivre, but rather drained: it was as if I had just exited a zone of concentrated psychological warfare, and I had fortunately come out alive with my critical thinking faculties still intact.

This accurate assessment of an overtly anti-white art exhibit stands out in stark contrast when compared to what Barbara Fischer, the Executive Director/Chief Curator of the Art Museum at the University of Toronto, had to say about the Conceptions of White exhibit:

For those of us who grew up white in a white majority context, the contours of whiteness and the effects of its dominance may be, understandably, obscure. The curators, together with the artists in the exhibition, bringing whiteness out of the continuing, detrimental slumber of such obscurity and sharply delineate its presence, its biases, privileges, and violent effects. Conjoining the work that needs to be done, I am proud that we are able to present this acutely timely project at the Art Museum, and to see it forward on its travel across the country.

I understand completely if you feel the need to fumigate your office space or mobile device after reading that pseudo-intellectual anti-white drivel.

Even though the forces of darkness have access to all the once-fine institutions that were built by our ancestors, we can resist by not paying exorbitant admission fees — $30 is highway robbery — to see hateful anti-white “art,” and instead support institutions and artists that take our side.