1,498 / 11:12

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I suppose it’s fitting that 247 years after our all-white and all-male Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence in Philadelphia, a cross-dressing black male perpetrated a mass shooting in Philly this July 4 holiday.

Since July 4 fell on a Tuesday this year, the midsummer orgy of fireworks, cookouts, and carnage was essentially a four-day weekend. None of the extended holiday’s most high-profile mass shootings happened on the fourth, either. But, as either luck or the inviolable laws of mathematical probability would have it, they all seemed to involve black shooters and black victims — in other words, living blacks taking black lives.

On Sunday, July 2, in the overwhelmingly black and irreparably torn-to-shit city of Baltimore, Maryland, a mostly peaceful block party suddenly erupted in gunfire, leaving two dead and 28 wounded. With such a low dead-to-wounded ratio, and seeing as this was a block party in Baltimore, I’ll assume that most if not all of the perps and victims were black.

Right before midnight on Monday, July 3 in a “historically African-American neighborhood” in Fort Worth, Texas, a mostly peaceful July 4 celebration unexpectedly pivoted into an Old West-style rootin’-tootin’ bloodbath when “several unknown males” began shooting into a crowd, leaving three dead and eight wounded.

A few hours before the Fort Worth massacre, a lone gunman wearing a bulletproof vest, a ski mask, and toting an “AR-15-style assault rifle” began randomly firing at people in Southwest Philadelphia’s 83.2%-black Kingsessing neighborhood, killing five but only wounding two. Although I’ve yet to find definitive photographic evidence that all of the slain were black, three of the five victims had such colorful first names as Lashyd, Dymir, and Daujan, so it wouldn’t be completely cuckoo to think they were all black. It was the City of Brotherly Love’s deadliest mass shooting since the year 2000.

Given the high dead-to-wounded ratio, along with the highly disciplined precautionary actions of wearing a bulletproof vest and ski mask, combined with the fact that the murder suspect had made several postings on his Facebook page about how he lubricates his AR-15 with liberal tears, supported Donald Trump’s 2024 campaign, and warned that Joe Biden is trying to take away your rights — along with the fact that he was a registered Republican — one could hardly be faulted for assuming that he was a white male.

But one would be wrong!

At a press conference Monday evening, Philadelphia Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw — yes, the real surname of Philly’s chief cop is “Outlaw,” and the ghost of Frank Rizzo is probably having conniptions over the fact that she’s a black woman — told reporters that the suspect was in custody and was an “African-American male, 40 years old.”

The suspect, who bears the not-at-all-white-sounding name of Kimbrady Carriker, definitely looks black in the mug shot taken after his arrest Monday night. He also looks unmistakably black in a mug shot taken in 2003 when he was arrested for carrying a firearm without a license and possessing a controlled substance with the intent to distribute.

Carriker also seems to identify very strongly as black in other Facebook posts he made. One shows a black power fist, and at one point he was even using a black power fist as his avatar. Other posts include one where he says he hopes you have any kind of computer except a white one, a meme equating cops with Ku Klux Klan members, yet another meme referring to Travyon Martin as “Trayvon Martyr,” a map showing “BLACK MASSACRES” throughout American history, and a video from 2020’s Summer of Floyd that shows a police car on fire that may or may not feature Carriker’s voice gleefully exulting in anti-cop rhetoric.

Fine, fine — so at this point, no one could dispute that he’s black, right?

Once again, you’d be oh-so-very WRONG, my good friend!

In 2005 court documents relating to a trial where Carriker received only probation for his 2003 weapons and drug charges, his race is listed as “Asian/Pacific Islander,” and over the past 24 hours I’ve encountered more than one Keyboard Zulu who insists that the 2005 document is foolproof evidence that Carriker is not black. I’m going to go out on a Baobab tree’s limb here and assume that the whole “Asian/Pacific Islander” thing is either what Carriker told his arresting officers, or maybe court clerks were merely being mischievous. It’s possible that he might have a drop or two of Polynesian blood coursing through his veins, but any honest pair of eyeballs would conclude that he’s far more ghetto than he is Don Ho.

All right, all right, but at least no one’s disputing that the gunman who killed five and wounded two — all of them confirmed male — was also a male . . . yes?

Once more, the answer is a thunderous and tooth-rattling NO, my sweet, blinkered compadre!

In picture after picture on his now-nuked Facebook profile, Carriker “presents” as a female. There’s an especially hideous — even for him — photo of Ms. Kimbrady with boobs! In a post-massacre interview, Carriker’s grandmother said he was gay and used to visit her dressed in women’s clothes.

At one point, a CNN headline referred to Carriker as a “suspected gunman.” Then, after all the pics of him mincing around with long braids and boobs, they modified the headline and only called him a “suspect.”

One day, as is reflected here in an article that referenced CNN’s original version — a version that I saw with my own blue eyes, but that has now been memory-holed — CNN said that the Philly district attorney’s office initially used “he/him” pronouns, but then switched to “they/them” pronouns:

The Philadelphia district attorney’s office is using they/them pronouns to refer to the suspect based on “information we have at this time,” a spokesperson for the office told CNN. Philadelphia officials previously used he/him pronouns for the suspect during a Tuesday news conference.

Then CNN “updated” their original version and pretended that the DA’s office initially used “they/them” pronouns, but then switched to referring to Carriker as a male:

The district attorney’s office initially referred to the suspect using they/them pronouns, based off information it had at the time, it said. The DA’s office is now referring to the suspect as a male.

What seems to have happened is that the DA’s office first started calling Carrier a “he,” then flip-flopped to “they/them,” and then flop-flipped back to “he” — but the Gender Psychosis is so strong these days, and everyone on every possible side is so invested in being right rather than in being honest, that the whole world is just a-flippin’ and a-floppin’ all over the place in their gasping attempts to make it seem if they really know what’s goin’ on.

Now, for news outlets that wanted Carriker to be a “Cross-dressing . . . BLM supporter,” that’s exactly what he was; but for other news outlets who couldn’t bear the thought of such a thing, “members of the far right were falsely claiming the suspect is transgender, and are using this as part of their broader attack on the LGBTQ+ community.”

What’s both hilarious and terrifying is that both of these news outlets could be technically correct, assuming that one makes a distinction between “cross-dressing” and being “transgender.”

So who is Kimbrady Carriker, suspected mass-slaughterer of black males? Is he black? Is he white? Is he a conservative? Is he a liberal? Is he a man? Is he a woman? Is he a centrist Polynesian hermaphrodite?

That’s just the point: He’s anything you need him to be! In this schizophrenic, fractured, polarized, murderous, bankrupt, and once-great country, we all celebrate Independence Day by being completely independent from reality!

I’ve saved the best part for last.

According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, “The Kingsessing mass shooting suspect told police the rampage was an attempt to fight gun violence, sources say”:

Kimbrady Carriker also told police that Yahweh, a Hebrew name for God, would be sending more people to help, the sources said.

The shooter accused of killing five people during a harrowing rampage in Southwest Philadelphia Monday night told police the shooting spree was an attempt to help authorities address the city’s gun violence crisis, and that a deity would be sending more people to help, according to sources familiar with the investigation . . .

Carriker also told them the gunfire — which spanned several blocks and struck people, including children, who had no apparent connection to one another — was an attempt to help police because “all these guys are out there killing people,” the sources said.

In other words, a black man who may be neither black nor a man claims he killed five people to protest all those guys who are out there killing people. And all those guys may not even be guys. Hell, they may not even be killing people.

Coming from America’s rotted-out birthplace 247 years after its inception, it all makes perfect sense.

*  *  *

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